Sunday, May 31, 2009

HMD#31: Athlete's Foot...

...belongs in his mouth. Or perhaps it should be up his....okay never mind.

As noted in a recent dispatch, there have been a number of scandals and fist fights at the local quasi-Catholic high school, and the Athlete started one of 'em. As was also noted, Princess was not pleased that he did so, and they had a tiff about it that escalated into a full-on fight, wherein he raised his voice and let fly with some expletives.

Princess, being a princess, doesn't do well with that sort of thing. Not that hearing foul language is particularly shocking to her at this stage of the game, but having it directed at her as an outlet or as an unfortunate side of a young adult male meltdown....not so much. As with the gym class brawl, his response was disproportionate to the offense. So she stopped the conversation and post-nuclear winter has set in. He attempted to lobby me for help, I reiterated to him the lack of manners and impropriety of the behavior involved...and he started in on me with the raised voice and language - not a personal attack, but a lot of frustration that no one will agree that his thuggery was justifiable.

Not cool. HeloMom went yard on the boy and set him straight on some basics about how to treat females he cares about - if he wants said females to be part of his life, anyway. Princess was not amused that the Queen was treated with disrespect by the Athlete. That, to her, was worse than his treatment of her. Nobody messes with her HeloMommy. (Hee!)

Dozens of hollow-pologies ("I'm sorry for what I said to you and your mom, but not for what I did to that kid") and as many dozen roses later, Princess is not yielding. He cannot understand why. She has explained that her values and his may be too divergent to make the relationship viable. He is in true distress. She is cordial, but not cuddly. She does not think she can go back to the way things were, because he lacks not just respect for her and/or for her mother, but he lacks sufficient self control to never have "gone there" in the first place. A wise observation. But now what?!?

Prom is in a week.

Are you there vodka? It's me, Kit...


eulogos said...

Is there any point at which Athlete can be accepted as having learned his lesson, at least to be admitted back in the date for the prom category? Sort of on probation. I feel for him.

I wouldn't advise she marry him though, any time soon.

Do you know where he learned these behaviors?

What a shame. He did sound too good to be true. But then, I figured, I know the wrong sort.

My prayers for a good resolution to this.

Philangelus said...

Just a warning, Kit: you're getting enmeshed.

He shouldn't be going to you for relationship advice. Either they'll work it out or they'll break up, but what they need is gentle guidance followed by backing away. He needs to understand your primary loyalty is to your daughter and not to him and not to the relationship.

Kit said...

This is a tough one. He asked me for advice and I did indeed tell him that I was not going to be put in the middle, and that his behavior toward my daughter was unacceptable. That's when he became defensive and angry at me and at the world.

In the interests of diplomacy, I will say this. He has an overachieving perfectionist physician father who should love the son he has, not berate him for not being the son he idealized himself having. And a mom who is herself immune to all the criticism after years of it and overcompensates by seeing no imperfections or room for improvement.

He is adrift between 2 extremes.

So far, prom is still on, but I'm not sure if she will thaw or get back to their previous level of comfort.

gemoftheocean said...

:-D Is it just me? I was thinking the day would come when she'd be thrilled that a guy would duke out another guy for aking advantae of a girl!

Packrat said...

Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Now, when Athlete goes off to college, maybe Princess won't care so much. Just a thought. I don't envy anyone raising teenagers. My prayers are with you.

Kasia said...

I'm of a few minds about this one.

I agree, obviously, that shouting and cussing at one's girlfriend is not appropriate. Nor is shouting and cussing at said girlfriend's mom. And I think Princess' observation is, indeed, wise. I myself grew up in a household where the preferred mode of expressing dissatisfaction involved raised voices (often significantly raised), profanity, and insults. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, and I went through lots of counseling to learn better ways of expressing anger and such.

At the same time, I do not expect the same level of self-control from a 17-year-old, especially one with the parental situation you describe, as I would from, say, my husband. I would expect a 17-year-old to be still forming his character...and thus well within the reach of amendment, should he be inclined to change.

With that said, I am not sure it is prudent to remain at the same level of attachment as he undergoes this continuing formation and, presumably, amendment.

I feel for all three of you. I am betting Athlete is genuinely sorry for having lost his temper (albeit admittedly not in the original fight in gym class - just with Princess and you); and I can imagine the disappointment Princess must feel at his having fallen short. And you, poor Kit...

What a rotten way to start June.

Joe of St. Thérèse said...

Joe will e-mail his response privately on facebook to this, Maybe I can come up with words there.