Coolest or Most Pathetic Mom...I Don't Care!

Well, as some of you now know, the Princess was finally diagnosed with Crohn's Disease. Suckfest.

We have had such a busy summer with the tutoring, the speech therapy for The Boy, karate, ballroom, and the big math exam...no time for vacation (except Therese, who got to sneak away to visit cousins and then a week trip to Quebec with grandma), and now we get this wretched news after all her hard work. We've been mad, we've been weepy, and now it's time for some rebellion. So I decided to indulge my inner teenager.

I am taking the Princess to her first-ever rock concert.

U2 and Snow Patrol.

There. I said it. We will dance and scream and sing like fools, just without the ganja or other assorted illicit "meds" that will be floating around. We will buy the t-shirts. We will be in BOSTON!

I am telling the school it's a college visit. :)

Laugh if you dare....we won't be able to hear you for a few days afterwards. We are in the 4th row just off to the side of the stage.

WOOHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Fresh from painting the kitchen...

A conundrum for us all to ponder from the "is it me?" category...

Let's take a trip to Theoretical Island, and let's say you're a teacher in a quasi-Catholic school system. Your kid goes to junior prom, then has a bunch of friends over afterwards to hang out in your house/back yard to build a fire and "make s'mores."

Do you:

A. Say no, because it's late, it's prom night, and you never know with kids these days....

B. Say yes, and discreetly monitor the activities to ensure nothing untoward is going on

C. Join in the festivities and provide the alcohol to the 16-18 year olds as well as the graham crackers, marshmallows, and Hershey bars; or

D. Go to bed and tell the kids to have fun while a few dozen teenagers are at your house on prom night, and then feign shock when the cops are beating on your door and arresting drunken teenagers who are rampaging through the neighborhood on 4-wheelers you own and holding beer they got from your fridge?

Okay. Stick with me.

Let's presume, for the sake of argument, that you chose C and/or D.

Should you still be employed by the local (marginally) Catholic Diocesan school system, or perhaps at least be on leave until the investigation is complete and the charges are either proven or dropped?

IS IT JUST ME WHO THINKS SOMETHING'S ROTTEN IN DENMARK?!?

May Daze

Ugh...what a week. For some reason, I stupidly believed that I could repaint my kitchen in 2-3 days.

Yeah....NO.

For starters, I now know that I have a total of 27 cabinets in my kitchen, and 13 drawers. So I had to empty all that, sorting and dumping stuff as I went. You don't want to know what my dining room looks like. The table I was given by my m-i-l when we moved here has four leaves, is 120" long, comfortably feeds 14 adults, and (tightly) manages 20. It is completely covered with pantry contents and my many sets of dishes and glassware. (The butler's pantry, with all the china and crystal, will have to wait...) All the chairs are occupied, too. And the radiator that runs the length of the room. And most of the floor.

At the same time as all this chaos has erupted in my dining room, I am attempting to persuade the 2 y/o that climbing over formerly impassable baby gates to inspect the carnage is BAD. He does not believe me. So far the dogs have broken in and eaten some crackers and, strangely, meat seasoning packets (venison seasoning, sloppy joe mix, and pepper rub - WTH?). Jack keeps slinking around and slithering through the glassware just to mess with my mind, or perhaps cause me to drop dead of a heart attack so he can feast on my fat carcass for a few weeks. No one would find me in there until I started to smell really bad. And even then....

Anyway.

Then there was the patching and sanding. The day I planned to do that, I wrenched something in my lower back while catching the baby gate scaler in mid-vault, got stiff and sore...and had 2 days of sciatica as my reward. In the midst of this, the Athlete texted to me that he was in the school office, having decided to smite some obnoxious kid who routinely badmouths him for dating a freshman during gym class. (Senioritis, anyone?). Had to provide lots of advice and counsel to ensure that privileges such as prom were not revoked, and then had to ensure that Princess did not smite Athlete for his display of fisticuffs, which, while well-intended, was not worth the trouble that ensued. (She thought he could have handled it more rationally, he was incensed that she did not appreciate his defense of her honor after months of snarkiness from that kid).

Then late that afternoon, I finally spackled. It rained for the next 36 hours, so it took forever to dry....and so I waited overnight, then I started sanding that next morning. A mayday call came in from the Princess from a school locker room. She was walking between classes with one of Athlete's wrestler friends, deep in conversation about a very serious alleged incident -- wherein said friend's former girlfriend was taken advantage of by another boy at a party -- when the offending boy crossed paths with them. Wrestler friend (smaller by a foot and about 150 lbs lighter than his target) took the alleged offender out at the legs and proceeded to pound the snot out of him. Princess' horrified screams alerted the faculty, and after several attempts, Wrestler friend was finally pulled off, bloodied knuckles and all, and dragged off to the principal's office. The alleged offender was well and truly pummelled, and had blood flowing from several spots. Princess, having never seen anything close to that kind of violence, was teary, shaking uncontrollably, and had to sit with a nun until I came to fetch her. The nurse's office, the vice-principal's office, and the principal's office were all full of bleeding boys and outraged parents.

So I got the kid home, got the walls primed, then the phone calls from curious kids, parents, and those who hoped to obtain free legal advice started pouring in. Wrestler friend actually showed up late that night to apologize to Princess for scaring her, and proceeded to pour his heart out on my couch for two hours, praying that he will not be expelled, but unashamed of having avenged the outrage perpetrated upon the alleged victim. (I'm just waiting to see how much of this makes the police blotter...and how much is covered up about this party, its attendees, and the alleged incident). I'll let you know how it turns out.

What's the term the Amish use for "spring madness" again? Well it has hit our town and the quasi-Catholic high school with a vengeance.

Oh, yes, and did I mention that I had a brief due as well? What would have taken me 3-4 hours sequestered in my office back in the day, took me about 14 hours over the course of three days, with so many interruptions, derailed trains of thought, and lost bits of legal brilliance and clever word usage....GAAAAHHHH!!!! Not my best work, but it hit the fax machine and went to its destination nonetheless.

Today I was supposed to be putting everything back in the cabinets, reattaching the finished, freshly painted doors, and admiring the pretty new paint job. But no. I still have chaos in the dining room, white primer, and completely untouched cabinet doors and drawers waiting to be done, and three gallons of lovely light blue and coordinating delft blue sitting patiently next to the dishwasher waiting to "transform my [friggin'] space."

Whatever.

Looks like another week of fast food and takeout.

Fr. Corapi on Obama at Notre Dame

H/T: Dearest Thorn

Notre Dame Debacle

I have been gritting my teeth this whole past week and not commenting much about this story.

But having read Cavey's latest, I'll go ahead and say it.

It PISSES ME OFF!!!! No Catholic parent should consider sending their children to that school, despite the "prestige," the overrated sports program, whatever. Notre Dame lost its soul decades ago. This is the final nail in the coffin, and not surprisingly, it is one made of tin pretending to be silver.

The One is not an impressive leader - the facade is cracking at an alarming rate. As I discussed with you last Fall, he ain't much of a lawyer or ConLaw scholar either, which makes the law degree additionally insulting, even to a fairly average law student like I was. He's a whiny, blame assigning, no-sack-having poseur that duped a nation into making him President.

He's Chance the Gardener come to life, but the stakes are too high for that to be even a remotely funny movie reference.

Shame on you, Notre Dame, and shame on all you sheep who voted for the most dangerous President in our nation's history to date.

When you care enough to send the very best...

LMAO. Really...sometimes I think I went into the wrong profession.

The Princess has a Religion assignment. She has to turn in a "creative" project about Judaism. Among the choices, making a cookbook, a movie, a magazine, or 7 greeting cards depicting the seven Jewish holidays (Oy! Seven? Who knew? [Seriously...I didn't!]) That last one's what she picked.

I immediately came up with several ideas and the requisite artwork....I will only share the tamest/most PC ones here: 1) a Passover card that, when opened, squirts genuine lamb's blood on the recipient ("Just wanted to make sure the Angel of Death passes you by this year..."); and 2) One of those annoying musical cards that blasts out a tune by Rosh Hashannah Montana: "You get the best of both worlds! Two New Years to get plowed on! Mazel Tov!" (Vincenzo, master of Adobe...a little help?!?)

I will spare you (and your souls) the rest. But if you have any ideas, we're open! Nothing horrible or anti-Semitic - i.e., the ones I'm not posting had just slightly inappropriate PG-13ish humor that's not fodder for the blogosphere and/or the easily offended - rememberI have a few junior readers out there.

Helo Mom Dispatch #9 - Mom Needs A Chiropractor

My neck keeps snapping back and forth, you see.

The Beloved remains steadfast in his disapproval. However, he did "bend" a little and indicated that he'd be interested to see the Athlete in action at the next wrestling match (at 6'5"/189 lbs. it must be quite a spectacle), and wanted to know when that might be.

WHOA! That's progress!

However....

The Cheerleading Princess is horrified at the thought, because she is leaning toward putting the kibosh on the whole non-relationship.

Reason?

CALUMNY

The small-town, even smaller-school rumor mill has suddenly been set ablaze, and the two of them are at the center of it. One of the Athlete's former upperclassman girlfriends is spreading vicious rumors about the "easy" freshman and the "desperate" senior. A fellow freshman girl who has a senior interested in her stated loudly at the lunch table that she'd never even consider dating a senior, "unlike some people." Her cheerleader friends are teasing her more than ever - there's a lot of dating crossover between the Athlete's friends and the cheerleading squad, as one might imagine. A teacher has asked even her about it, and volunteered to intercede and help her break things off if she'd like assistance because she's feeling "pressured" by an older boy.

After being targeted by that pack of mean girls for over a year now, the Princess goes into meltdown mode whenever she discovers that people are talking about her behind her back - she was in tears most of the evening. "I just wanted a new start in high school! I wanted to be invisible! I don't want people I don't know and who don't know me gossipping about me!" The usual platitudes about jealous girls, immature teenagers, high school drama starting and ending quickly, and being the bigger person don't work. She's extremely sensitive, and not without some justification given what she's been through. It's such a shame to see something that has been sweet and innocent turned ugly, and a kid turning away from the good to protect herself from the bad.

The odd thing is, nothing's changed between the two of them and they haven't seen each other outside of school since the infamous night at the movies. He has made no secret of his admiration for her, but has also told his friends that although they talk quite a bit, they are NOT dating due to the age issue and parental interdict. Why all hell broke loose on an otherwise average Wednesday remains a mystery.

So, will their association survive the scandal....or will they part ways?

Stay tuned....

Helo Mom out.

Helo Mom Dispatch #6 - Fatal Error?

[thunk]

[thunk]

[thunk]

Somewhere, someone's head is beating against a wall.

Today's drama:

The Senior Athlete had to student-teach a class as a project for one of his own classes. So he chose a class he was sure would be great. The Cheerleader's Freshman gym class.

[thunk]

She was stunned to see him there, suddenly "in charge" of her (oh, and the rest of the class, too). He thought it would be fun, AND he had a built-in excuse to spend 50 minutes of his day with his cute little not-quite-official-but-everyone-knows-it-girlfriend...with the added bonus of seeing her trot about in a gym uniform as opposed to the regular school uniform. What a great day! God is good!

[thunk]

Foolish, foolish move. When he selected teams for the class rather than allowing the class to divide itself up along its usual partisan lines, she was separated from her usual gym-team buddies and became bitter with him. Apparently her team usually wins - and he seemed to be testing her ability to deal with loss and adversity. He made the mistake of telling her so when she complained about it.

[thunk]

When he then did not officiate the game in her [team's] favor, she sassed him. He had to respond appropriately, and so he called her on her unsportsmanlike conduct...followed by a whispered plea that she not get angry, he was doing what he had to, and trying to get a good grade.

[thunk]

THEN....just when it couldn't have gotten much worse....her two chief adversaries/girl-tormentors came into the class (cutting their own regular class) because they'd gotten wind of what was going on and wanted to see for themselves, and to sneer at and heckle them both. The Princess whispered to him that they didn't belong in the class, and that he should send them on their way (she had a point), but he refused, not wanting to make a scene and fuel their fire (a valid counterpoint).

[thunk]

Another teacher happened by, espied and yanked the skanks, and sent them to the office. The Princess, being an irrationally outraged 14 year old at this point, took this as a direct personal insult...he did not defend her honor.

[THUNK]

"HE should have done that! He could have asserted his authority as a teacher and gotten rid of them! He certainly asserted his authority over ME in front of everybody! I could've done a better job! I'd've SO kicked their a**es out of there, to HELL with the grade!!!" (Ouch! She was so furious, she started speaking in salty tongues!)

[THUNK]

She cut him dead for the rest of the day.

There was no 2 hour phone call tonight.

There was no call at all.

Radio silence.

(Oh, dear....)

I did my best to be the voice of reason, I really did. I sympathized with her, but I also advocated for the poor boy and tried to get her to understand that there might possibly be some good reasons for what he did, and moreover, for what he did not do.

[thunk]

I got the trademark slitty little green eyes of rage in return, which were only slightly cured by a peace offering of a hot fudge sundae and tea. Then we snuggled together under a blankie for a few hours, saying very little while the phone didn't ring....

She knows she's a brat. She knows that petulance rarely plays well, and pays even less. And we all know she's only 14. Some allowances must be made. She'll get over it and she'll even laugh at herself about it...at some point. Hopefully he will, too.

Oh, that poor, poor boy.

Well, now I've done it...

...I've quit my day job as of the end of this year so I can stay home full-time with the Boy and begin planning to - perhaps - homeschool the 11 y/o.

(Remember my prayer request several weeks back?)

No, I have not lost my mind. I will continue to teach an evening class or two each semester, and will take on some "contract work" (i.e., research and drafting for other lawyers) here and there as needed and as may come my way.

My partner in crime and punishment at work is crushed but 100% behind me. Especially because not paying my salary just made his spike!

My mother is freaked. I am officially a "failure" (she equates six-figure incomes with personal success in her children) and apparently I have gone off the "Radical Conservative/Catholic Deep End."

My friends, many of whom thought I was nuts enough for having a baby at 39, are horrified. The last of them just returned to work, all have kids in school and none have kids as young as mine. It's like I've gone in reverse while they are moving forward. I've fallen off a lot of invite lists this past year.

My Beloved has his resolute face on - he will be picking up some of the slack and taking a new, more lucrative job.

My kids are thrilled, especially Little Therese. Since starting middle school this fall, she of the 99 overall average has been called "retarded" (because she gets a 15 minute Aspie respite in a special ed room each day), taught recreational drug vernacular, and propositioned for sex - twice now - in the hallways by 8th grade repeaters, and the special ed handling of her "Aspie social deficit" consists of twice-weekly sessions where she is told to tutor and speak to a severely learning-disabled, behaviorally challenged scatalogically-fixated boy, who she describes as a "human swear word dictionary."

I've had enough. She is too good and pure to be subjected to this crap. So I'm putting an end to it...and to a lot of things my career has allowed us to do, see, purchase, and experience.

Please keep our family in your prayers as we make the adjustment. This was a long, difficult decision making process.

Courting vs. Dating, Part 1

The events of this past week have set my motherly mind to work, perhaps a little late, but not TOO late, on the best way to approach the impending dating career of my eldest child.

As many of you already know, the Beloved's got a neo-rad-trad contingent in his family that goes the "Cath-mish" route on everything from cloistering to clothing to courting. No unsupervised co-ed visitation, no touching, no impure thoughts allowed. (1)

That's a bit extreme and unwieldy for us. So is the common practice of my daughter's 14 year old peers being allowed to go out with any boy who asks, and/or to grab a sleeping bag and hop into cars full of slightly older kids whose driver's licenses are still warm from the laminator to head out to the post-football game bonfires....with beer and pot provided by the "cool" parents....to "hang out" with an older boy who invited them. No thanks. (2)

So the questions arise: how do you find a happy medium? And what's the difference between "courting" and "dating" anyway?

Here's my take:

Dating is what most of us did in high school - being asked out by/asking out your latest "crush" and heading out to movies, malls, school dances, parties, undisclosed parking areas (....!) without adult supervision, and peer attendance/participation becoming more and more optional as the dating couple progresses to full-on "going out" or exclusivity with one person. Not much has changed, except maybe that our kids are better versed in the various forms of VD (and institutionalized hands-on instruction in the importance of condom use to prevent it) than we were. (Ack!)

Courting is the "old fashioned" concept of a young man coming over in his best clothes, flowers in hand, to stay for dinner so he can see and spend time with the girl he's interested in, but just as importantly, the purpose is to meet the parents and extended family, befriend them, and to be considered as a potential future son in law. The couple is never unchaperoned or alone, and chastity of dress and behavior is expected at all times. No physical contact is considered - the point is to get to know the person, not to rate their comparative cup size or kissing prowess. The ultimate goal is selecting a future spouse. Courting, not surprisingly, is the preferred ritual among the very traditional, orthodox and/or the homeschooling set, for reasons that are self-evident.

From all that I've seen in person and from the reading I've done online and at home, I've extrapolated and would submit the following summary:

1. Dating celebrates the cultus of the body, while courting promotes the vocation, sacrament, and sanctity of marriage;

2. Dating emphasizes variety and quantity in discerning who the "ideal" mate is, while courting focuses on quality - the discernment of character before exploring physicality in a relationship; and

3. Dating puts control largely in the hands of the child, while courting emphasizes parental/family involvement.

There are good and bad points to both concepts, of course. On one side, yes, I want my daughters to meet and get to know any number of young men so they can develop their instincts about "good boys" and "bad boys" - who to avoid, and what qualities to look for in a young man who might one day be worthy of their time and attention. On the other, I'm not about to let them say yes to anyone who asks, or otherwise to engage in any activity that calls their good reputations into question.

As far as physicality goes, I think going to school dances, holding hands, and [low-impact] kissing are rites of passage in high school. Becoming a mother next summer after having too much fun at a football bonfire last fall, or being required to get Gardasil injections as a preemptive strike in your premarital sex life...not so much.

Unsupervised opportunities for physical contact and sexual activity in the dating context invites disaster. Period. But at the same time, completely excising the physicality from a budding relationship creates an artifice - not to mention encouraging your Juliet to sneak off with her Romeo - because physical attraction is an essential ingredient to a happy, healthy spiritual relationship with your marriage partner. Keeping that physicality in check, but not forbidding it outright...well there's the conundrum. (I was going to say "rub" but, well, let's not go there.) If someone can come up with a way to get those raging teen hormones under control, let me know - I'll help you get the patent if you can bottle it. I'm a mom looking for a miracle.

This brings up the next question: what is the parent's role in all of this?

As for that third prong of my summary, well, let's face it - my own experience has made me into the world's biggest hypocrite when it comes to the prospect of encouraging any child to live chastely and to imitate Christ - much less to follow my parental example. I have no grounds to lecture anyone. If I were my kid, I'd kill me! (3)

So I am not one to be doling out advice to my child on how to be modest and chaste in dating relationships - I never was, certainly - but I find the micromanagement of courting to be a bit oppressive, and its purpose premature at this stage of the game. At the same time, BECAUSE of the tender age involved in my case, I think supervision is absolutely necessary.

I want to know exactly who the boy is, what his interests are, who his family and friends are, because if there's anything or anyone questionable, as a parent it is my OBLIGATION to protect and educate my child about the occasion of sin and how to avoid it. And while I have absolutely no problem doing so, I don't want to do it in such a Draconian manner that my children cannot feel comfortable discussing things with me, try to hide information...or sneak off like I did!

CCC Section 1632 states:

"It is imperative to give suitable and timely instruction to young people, above all in the heart of their own families, about the dignity of married love, its role and its exercise, so that, having learned the value of chastity, they will be able at a suitable age to engage in honorable courtship and enter upon a marriage of their own."
[Emphasis mine]

So back to the main issue. The problem is walking the fine line between the two - dating vs courting - and that's what I'm dealing with when it comes to this senior boy and his crush on my freshman daughter. He seems to be instinctively following the courting route, changing his tactics once he realized that dating this younger girl was not an option. (See (2) below). He gets high marks for figuring this out on his own and for offering to forego the end-of-season blowout bonfire bash with his friends to come over and talk with a younger girl and her parents.

I just have to spend some time with him trying to discern whether his intentions are truly good, or if it's all for show. I also want to be there to promote the possibility of having fun and innocence within the relationship to try and avoid the inevitable drama and hurt feelings on either side. Wish me luck. I'll continue to post on this topic as I'm in the process of forming my own, better understanding along the way. Maybe I'll write a book and call it "How to Date in a Courtly Manner" (Hmmm...you read it here first, so let's call it a copyright) ;-)

Here are a few articles by Catholics and non-Catholics that I found to be interesting and helpful:

Family Life Center resource page here

A Catholic Critique of a Current Notion of Courtship (by an FUS alumna, Shell!)

Catholic Online - article from the Arlington Catholic Herald

A non-Catholic Christian perspective here

I've got some book recommendations, and will share them once I've actually done the work myself.

End Notes:

(1) We are not like that, thus we are unworthy of full communion with them, lest we or our school-going children foul the waters. But that's for another time and another post.

(2) To give credit where it is due, without even asking me first, she has refused her older Cheerleader friends' invitations to these gatherings. The Football Player asked her to the movies in lieu of attending this weekend's post-playoff-game bonfire bash - the last one of his HS football career at that. Good kid. But she's not going out anywhere with him, and she's told him so. He has now asked me if he might come over to meet us instead. I want to adopt him like a little puppy, he's so darn cute. But all puppies eventually pee on your carpet, so I'm keeping a close eye on him.

(3) Major CINO, no catechism growing up, parents who divorced and explored their - ahem - SELVES in the mid '70's and were so wrapped up in the "ME generation"/disco decadence culture that my siblings and I had ZERO supervision, were asked little and told even less about what we were up to. Me, well, I was an honor student and never got in trouble, mainly because I was too smart to get caught. Adult me grieves for teen-aged me, because even then I knew something was missing - I craved my mother's notice, but got little (beyond derision) when I screwed up, and even less when I did well. And that was just high school. Then I was a Big 10 school-going sorority queen in the late '80's, had a blast, had no rules and even less inhibitions - as long as I paid my own way, I could go off on whatever Spring-break bacchanalia I wanted. I'm striving to do the opposite as a mother. So far, so good...but we're just starting to hit the big stuff. I pray to St. Anne, but then I've got St. Monica for backup.

Sarah Palin's Proposals for Special Needs Kids

From the Washington Post - article here. Some of the comments are so brutal.

In addition to her own cute little special needs son Trig, she has an autistic nephew. She may be new at dealing with these issues within her own family, but I think she knows the deal. I really believe she means what she says, would fight hard see her proposals through, and could make a huge contribution by forwarding these causes through obtaining funding increases for research and education.

(PLEASE, Lord...hear our prayers!)

Not quite the petting zoo...

Ok - I'm in my ragey place now. What would you do if your kid came home and told you all about this?!?

These kids are SIX FRIGGIN' YEARS OLD!!! A teachable moment my @ss!!!

I can't continue with this post. Too appalled for charitable words.

Mon Dieu!

Okay, the more evil parents among you, especially those beleaguered by teenaged females, will appreciate this one...

Got a call from the quasi-Catholic HS principal today, asking me to sub for the rest of the week. Given some prep time, I can teach just about anything not math or science involved (past, say, 4th grade). Apparently someone let fly that I had some game in French & Spanish. (NB: I volunteered ONLY for the liberal arts and religion). So I'm covering 5 periods of beginner through AP French and one beginner Spanish class. I do have a little bit of experience - I'm understandable in 4 languages, and was a TA in Writing and in French 101 back in the day at U of I.

Yeah. 20 years ago.

Other than a few trips to Europe and Canada over the years, I have not had occasion to speak much French. So after I hung up the phone, I had a moment of "HOLY CRAP! What did I just agree to do?" But then it dawned on me. My daughter will be in my first period class. And she doesn't know I'm the sub. She just knows her teacher's great-aunt passed away. BWAHHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!! I can't wait to see the horror on her face when she walks in the door and sees chere Mamman at the desk.

But then there's the rest of the day to get through. So I've got to bone up and start praying for guidance....alors:

Saint John Baptist de La Salle, b. Apr. 30, 1651, d. Apr. 7, 1719, was a French educator and the founder of the Institute of the brothers of Christian Schools, popularly known as Christian Brothers. Ordained a priest in 1678, he was a canon of the cathedral at Reims until 1683, when he resigned to devote himself to organizing schools for poor children. In 1684 he founded a religious order devoted to teaching. Distinguished as a pioneer of training colleges for teachers and in the use of the vernacular in teaching, he ranks among the outstanding educators of modern times. Canonized in 1900, he is the patron saint of schoolteachers. Feast day: April 7.

Saint Jean-Baptiste de la Salle...

Priez pour moi!